An Open Letter to the Men of the Millennial Generation

A Note to the Reader: 

This letter has been a work in progress for years, even though I'm only publicly posting it now. It's derived from the last several years of watching myself and friends navigate dating in a twenty-first century world that has been ravanged by culture wars and the internet; a world where hook-ups are normalized in spite the damage they inflict on both parties; one where online dating is a prevalent norm, but finding real relationships is increasingly difficult; a world that has all at once become feministic at the expense of male confidence but remains tragically misogynistic at the same time; a world in which the prevalence of ways to meet people is much more plentiful and personable, but which has simultaneously become so much more impersonal. Consequentially, our twenty-first century dating climate often seems paradoxically bleak.

And I'm just a girl with essentially no real dating past to speak of, and I sincerely have no authority from which to write, except through the hurt and disappointment I have encountered first-hand, or watched my close friends experience.

This is not meant to be a tirade; it is in NO WAY a malediction, or a call to condemnation or punishment. I'm here to clarify confusion and promote mature, adult ways of handling dating situations wrought with the complexities of human emotions. Thus, there's pointed advice in here, too, to women: we are as guilty of misleading, misunderstanding, and mistaking situations so that multiple parties end up hurt. I think we have all (guys AND girls inclusive) lost our common sense in how to handle dating in a way that honors human dignity and simultaneously increases our chances of finding the meaningful relationships that we really long for.

I am NOT here to vilify the male race. Quite the opposite. I sincerely hope and believe that most guys are not just out for themselves, they really do want to find relationship, and they want to do it without inflicting or undergoing injury. It is my sincere hope that this letter is an aid towards that effort. 

To the Men of the Millennial Generation, 

A series of sincere requests:

#1. Please, if you like a girl, you should just man up and tell her and ask her out.

Please do not expect her to drape herself all over you to show you she likes you. Truthfully, the girls who do this are generally the ones who are looking for pretty much any guy, not a particular one. They think you’re hot, you seem nice enough, and that’s really the only boxes you have to tick. If you’re looking for more than a perfunctory relationship or a girl just to occupy the space on your arm so you feel good about yourself, then the girls throwing themselves at you are not going to fill your real hopes and expectations for an emotional connection and a best friend. 

There are plenty of other girls, I guarantee, who are interested and like and appreciate you, but they’re not so arrogant and selfish to throw themselves at you. If they really care, they will show it in other, subtler, far less shallow, and far more thoughtful ways rather than shameless flirting. 

And if shameless flirting IS what you're looking for? Well, what you both want is empty and shallow, so I wish you best of luck with that.

#2. Don't expect the girl you like to have to step up and be vulnerable first. If you want to wear a pair of pants in the future relationship, you have to lead with vulnerability and humility in putting your pride aside. Start by using your words and being polite and respectful but direct. 

In the course of polite verbal clarity, you are also clearing up a lot of potential miscommunication early, before there’s a likelihood of hurt by either or both parties. You are actually helping to treat others well, care for yourself well, and preserve everyone's dignity by being polite and direct. 

And if she says “Nope”, respect her “No”. It’s not necessarily a rejection of you; there are actually a number of reasons why someone decides not to date another person; it’s not always as simple as “I don’t like you like that”. 

#3. I beg you, please just talk to my face. Not to my friend, not to my mother, not to your mother, not behind my back, not in veiled questions or comments, not even in a letter like Fitzwilliam Darcy. Part of having the self-confidence and humility of an adult looking for a serious relationship is talking to someone earnestly in the face. 

I am so tired of guys being too cowardly to just tell me what's up or what isn't. Don't depend on someone else to be your proxy and speak for you, or fish around with me to try to figure out if I like you or not. Truthfully, I'm not going to tell or admit it to them (or to you in veiled conversation) even if I do. Why? Because I don't want to talk to our mutual friend about whatever's going on; I want to talk to you, out in the open. Can we both just be adults, please, and use our words? And anyway, if you can't manage to have an honest conversation now, how can I expect you to initiate an honest conversation with me in a relationship?

An important aside: In the same vein, girlfriends: we can't allow ourselves to be middle(wo)men couriers. We're not owls or carrier pigeons. It's not our job to foster communication for men who are too afraid to make a move. We need to hold guys to the higher standard of having the courage to speak up for themselves. If a guy friend seems into your friend, tell him that he should be polite, direct, stop talking to you, and talk to her face.

And by the same token, girls, we need to hold ourselves to the standard of also speaking up and telling what we're thinking and feeling. It's not a one-way street. There are two equally-responsible parties in communication.

--THAT BEING SAID:

#4. If you're parading or bragging about other girls you're seeing/dating/interested in in front of me, I am going to be so swiftly deterred from having the confidence to tell you I like you. Girls (especially girls who want to get along with others and not make a scene) never want to throw themselves into a situation that feels like a competition. Please, please don't be the arrogant jackass who derives his self-esteem from seeing how many girls he can get to fight over himself.

And if your intent is to see if you can make her jealous? Well, first off, that's manipulative, immature, and inconsiderate. And truthfully? Chances are, if she's a decent human being, it probably won't even work the way you want it to. Talking to the girl you like (or even just talking in her presence) about all the girls and girl drama you have is a sure-fire way to send any responsible, wise person packing up their emotions and shipping them out to sea. If she sees you as unavailable, willing to go after anyone and everyone, or simply just more interested in others, she's going to be discouraged and deterred from wanting to fall for you. At best, she’s simply going to assume you’re NOT into her and will want to put space between you to protect herself; at worst, she’ll be resolute in wanting to stay SO far away from your drama because chances are, she knows better that she'll probably end up getting hurt in the process of watching you choose someone else. 

#5. I'll never understand why, but it's my impression that guys seem to be harboring this delusion that girls who see a guy as popular and wanted will make other girls want them, too. Truthfully, I have rarely seen this tend to be the case, most especially amongst mature individuals. The kinds of thoughtful girls who really like you for you are going to see that kind-of behavior as playboy-ish, unattractive, AND extremely hurtful. Please don't attempt to get a relationship started by giving excess attention to other girls and making the girl you actually want go home and cry. Because if she really DOES care for you, you can bet she will shed a lot of tears in private, though you'll never know about it. You'll think she's fine, most especially when she's far from it. And it makes you the most insensitive asshole.

#6. If you HAVE decided she’s actually your #1 interest and priority, then, I beg you, just make the decision, and make it clear. Put your best foot forward and leave the drama in your closet. Do you actually want her to be your girlfriend? Then stop talking about other girls around her. Guys with a girlfriend don’t give attention to other girls and breed hurt and jealousy in the process. Start being responsible in caring for her heart now, and prove you're capable of caring for it in a relationship. Period.

#7. And if she’s not the girl you’re truly, sincerely interested in? Then leave her alone. Chances are, she’s going to end up hurt by you in the long run, as well as wasting her time and energy, and I hope you’re an empathetic-enough human not to want that. Please don't be too cowardly to just clearly and politely move on, rather than leading her on.

#8. Even if you're in a relationship, that doesn't mean you get an automatic trump card on her time and energy. Nor does she get to monopolize all of your time and efforts, either. There should be some real conversations about expectations for when and how you will communicate and spend time together based on what's appropriate and feasible. Don't ask or expect your girlfriend to drop everything for you at any moment. And by the same respect, you shouldn't have to drop everything at any moment for her wants. And if its for her needs (not her wants) and they are numerous, you should probably be wondering whether the neediness if warranted or not. (Girls, same to you.)

#9. This applies to dating, as well as pretty much everything else: Check the girl’s name (and its spelling!) BEFORE sending that first (or thirty-first!) message to her. Failing to get someone’s name right is about the lousiest, laziest thing you can do to fail to acknowledge and affirm their identity. How can she expect you to care about or respect her if you don’t even take the time to make sure you’re calling her the right thing or spelling it correctly? It’s an early tell as to what kind of person you are and whether you’re going to be the sort-of partner she’s looking for who cares about who she is and her dignity. 

#10. Less serious of an issue, but more of a general piece of advice: fish pics are nearly as horrible a dick pics. Shirtless you with a giant tuna isn’t hot and sexy, which I'm guessing is the reaction you were hoping to elicit? Think of it this way: Now whenever I see you in my mind, I also see the fish. And, as a human, I don't want to make out with a fish, so by extension, I now also don't want to make out with you, either. It's the fastest, most unfortunate turn-off switch. 

I say all of these with one singular, pointed goal: I want a future where guys and girls can walk a two-way street where everyone is honest and seeks the best for themselves and each other simultaneously. Injury is inevitable in this world, but it would be really nice if we could all understand how each other operate, and seek to make wise decisions with that knowledge in mind.

Sincerely,

a Millennial Woman